Morning! Today’s thought to share with your friends and network is the following.
Did you know that there are over 250 acronyms that can be used for that most unique of 3 letter combinations, PMS?
Surprised me too! It can mean:
- Practice Management System (for when you’re scared of the real thing)
- Personal Medical Services (for people who crossed women with PMS)
- Pass My Shotgun (after you hand me your coffee)
- Pandora’s Mighty Soldiers (not to be confused with Peter Pan’s)
- Parked Motorcycle Syndrome (a simple bulldozer would solve that)
- Problem Management System (it is…to laugh)
- Pepperoni Mushroom & Sausage (Oh I can just see ordering a PMS pizza)
- Pony Motor Starting (when you’re not old enough for real horse power)
Isn’t that just simply peachy?
I’ll bet right now, you’re wondering, gee, how can you tell if a woman has PMS? Glad you asked! Here are several tell-tale clues:
- She puts a halt reading Glamour and starts devouring Guns and Ammo and Soldier of Fortune
- She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
- She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
Not to mention…..
Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
‘course, you can always share the PMS experience with your loved ones:
Or failing that, just indulge in the following goodies.
Speaking of the ‘wings’ comment earlier, did you ever read about the following letter sent to Proctor and Gamble? Truly a woman after my own heart:
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the ‘curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painfulI wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer‘ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is wrong‘, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s***.
And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Austin , TX
Pass me my shotgun 🙂 ,
ps – The following also calms down PMS: