The Chuck Norris Guide To Proficient Protecting Of Your Site From Rabid Varmits

Protect your site!

It all started yesterday when my coffee maker exploded.

Well, actually, that's not *quite* true.

My coffee maker didn't explode, it, ummm, it took on a …. cloak of invisibility!  Yeah, that's the ticket!  A cloak of invisibility!  And…..

Oh all right, that didn't happen either.  What *really* occurred was my coffee maker was that a blood-red bright shining light illuminated my kitchen at 3:32am!  And because my office is right by the kitchen, see, it blinded my eyes! 


*That's* the ticket! 

And *then* the whole entire house frantically shook on its foundations as the spine-jarring soundtrack of Phantasm blared from the Betty Crocker Self-Cleaning Oven, see,  and I witnessed before my unbelieving eyes my frightened poor coffee-maker *defying gravity* and rising to the ceiling where it suddenly disappeared with nary a whimper at its I-Deserve-To-Be-Showcased-On-Oprah fate!


Okay not really, I ran out of coffee again, you see?  And during those critical 17 seconds of abject horror and dismay, yet again, I found myself in yet another caffeine-withdrawal inspired incredible interview! 

Not this guy:


But this guy:

Chuck Norris Rocks!  Image by Dekroth - click on image to see his full site
Image by Dekroth

WIthout any further ado, let's begin!

Me: Hey Chuck, thank you so much for joining us here!  Want any coffee?  Oh wait, my coffeepot was abducted by aliens.  Sorry!  So Chuck, tell me.  How do you protect your site from malicious unwanted varmits?

Chuck Norris: I don't.

Me:  Really?  How come?

Chuck Norris:  Because I've commanded the Internet to implode whenever an ill intention rouses itself online.

Me:  Ah.  I see.  Can you give some ideas for the rest of us?

Chuck Norris:  Certainly.  Everything you need is already within you.  Seek out WordPress security plugins like:

After that,  turn on CNN to see how effective it is.

Me: Cable News Network?

Chuck Norris: No, The Chuck Norris News network.  It's designed to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me: The above is a great idea, but don't you think it might take too long?

Chuck Norris:  No.  After all, I counted to infinity.  Twice.  3 seconds ago.  While you blinked.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me:  Right.  Okay Chuck, onto our next question.  How do you retrieve your lost password?

Chuck Norris: I force the universe to go back in time to what I had set it.

Me:  And for us….

Chuck Norris: It's as soothingly simple as watching the gentle lapping waves caress a white sandy beach.  Refer to:

Of course, you can always stare at your screen instead.

Me:  What does that do?

Chuck Norris:  It always displays whatever I mentally command it to show.  Either that or it melts.  I forget which.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me:  Ah.  So tell me, what recommendations do you have for choosing a safe password online?

Chuck Norris:  I don't need passwords.  The Internet stays locked until I tell it to open or instead track down the perps like so.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me:  Of course!  And for the rest of us…

Chuck Norris: Be master of mind rather than be mastered by mind.

Me:  That was beautiful.

Chuck Norris:  Thank you.

Me:  Can you now answer the question?

Chuck Norris:  Be as wise as the newborn fawn who spies the ravenous grizzly stalking about the wooded glen.

In other words, examine

Me:  Newborn fawns freeze and hide.

Chuck Norris:  Not my newborn fawns. 

They roundhouse-kick grizzly bears. 


And then they spank them for good measure. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me:  Hey, what about using your name as a password?

Chuck Norris:  You really want to be like Facebook

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me:  I see your point. One last question, Chuck – what should you do if you see someone else's site has been hacked?  Yesterday, for example, I sent out the following tweets:

 Source blogger

I had just found SourceBlogger had written a great article (it showed up on my Fun Commentluv Marketing track) but when I clicked over to view it, I was taken instead to a nasty sinister malware site.  To me, that mean the site had varmit-based code injected into it. 

I alerted  SourceBlogger (who fixed it, yay!) but what else would you recommend?

Chuck Norris:  Goodness suffuses those who embrace the wholeness of the universe.

Me: Come again?

Chuck Norris:  Always be a good upstanding law-abiding citizen and go the extra distance to helping others out.   You do not have to attempt the Internet equivalent of:

Instead, calmly and with serenity, search on Twitter for the blog/site in question.  Ideally, you'll see the profile of the site's owner, and uncover the actual Twitter ID.

And then you can contact the people and see how you can help them out.

Me:  Jeepers!  That's just what I did!

Chuck Norris: Great minds truly think alike.

Me: What an awesome idea.  Hey!  It looks like my coffee pot has reappeared!  Oh blessed sweet nectar of the gods, how I've missed you! 

And Chuck…Chuck?  Oh CHUCK!  Where did you go?  Oh well, might as well start today's blog post…..

And there you have it folks, the Chuck Norris Guide To Protecting Your Site From Rabid Varmits!

And for those gentle readers newly arrived to the utter immortal phenomena known as Chuck Norris, enjoy these extra reading links:

Note to mention:

Chuck Norris 1

Chuk Norris 3

Chuck Norris 4

Chuck Norris!One last thing – Chuck Norris also wrote some pretty nifty books about zen and philosophy.  You can find 'em over at:

The Secret Power Within

Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America

Against All Odds: My Story

The Secret of Inner Strength



Hope you enjoyed the interview!  And do take care to secure your site today…your future profits will thank you for it.


Barbara Ling

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